i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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