A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
