you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
