capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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