Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
NoShamevember. You game?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize