I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I could fuck to npr.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
