I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
