if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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