How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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