I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
