ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
