can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
