he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
