Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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