You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
