The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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