alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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