I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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