Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
