im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
