It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
