my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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