I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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