he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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