so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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