im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
