my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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