I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize