i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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