Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
