Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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