I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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