if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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