my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
