I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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