May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
