she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
