Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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