Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize