capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
