I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
