Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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