Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
