Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
