I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
