Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize