dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
this is an emotional support booty call
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
