I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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