oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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