My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
