I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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