Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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