I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
