If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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