they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
