Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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