I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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