I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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