I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
